Monday, July 26, 2010

Smutty Vampire Smack Down

My husband is constantly bugging me about why I like vampire stories so much. Is it handsome vampires? Yes. Forbidden love? Yes. Entertaining tales of the supernatural? Yes. The TV show Vampire Diaries gave a pretty complicated answer about vampire fantasy being a way to escape the reality of living during war time. Personally, I'm sticking with the dark and dangerous men.

Are you considering a foray in the world of vampire fiction for the first time? If so, keep reading; I decided to provide a guide to the best and the worst of smutty vampire books, book series, tv shows and movies.

For me, the yardstick for measuring all other vampire worlds is the Sookieverse as presented in the TV show True Blood. It is at once entertaining, compelling, scathing, and well-written. So, I will be ranking these on a scale of one to five bottles of TruBlood. One bottle of TruBlood indicates that it will leave you wanting. Five bottles of TruBlood is a very satisfying meal of smutty vampire fantasy!

Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side: A book
Author: Beth Fantaskey
Basic premise: Jessica Packwood was adopted from Romania as a baby. She finds out that she's descendant from a line of royal vampires, and that she has been betrothed to Lucius Vladescu since birth. While she explores her new identity as Antanasia Dragomir, she must decide whether or not to claim her place as the last of a line of Romanian vampire royalty.
Unique characteristics of vampires: They can procreate and walk in the sun.
How to kill a vampire: That's not really important to the book, but most of your standard options apply.
Other supernatural characters include: None.
Read it if: You like the idea of becoming a princess, you think formal manners are attractive, or you like to see vampires as being good.
Don't read it if: You want a lot of action or violence, you want to read a really great book, or you are offended by the idea that a girl has to become a princess and fall in love to truly find herself.
My unscientific suggested age range: 6-12 grades
Rating: 4 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood


Vampire Diaries: The book series
Author: L.J. Smith
Basic premise: Elena Gilbert is the quintessential perfect, popular cheerleader. Her parents die, and she finds herself in a love triangle between two vampire brothers--Stefan and Damon.
Unique characteristics of vampires: If they wear magical jewelry, they can go out into the sunlight. Also, the herb vervain keeps them from being able to compel you and weakens them if they ingest it.
How to kill a vampire: Keep them in the sunlight, burn them, or stake them. Vervain can "disarm" them.
Other supernatural characters include: Witches and their familiars
Read it if: You really, really like vampire books and have run through all other options. Even then, you must have little regard for the written word.
Don't read it if: You need to like characters in books, or you like good literature. This is the only series that I just simply couldn't stand to finish. I can't tell you whether Elena picks Stefan or Damon because I disliked Elena so much that I didn't really care.
My unscientific suggested age range: 8-12 grades
Rating: 1 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood

Vampire Diaries: The TV series
Basic premise: Again, Elena Gilbert is the quintessential perfect, popular cheerleader. Her parents die, and she finds herself in a love triangle between two vampire brothers--Stefan and Damon.
Unique characteristics of vampires: If they wear magical jewelry, they can go out into the sunlight. They are also unusually hot. Seriously. Really... Really.... Hot! Also, the herb vervain keeps them from being able to compel you and weakens them if they ingest it.
How to kill a vampire: Keep them in the sunlight, burn them, or stake them. Vervain can "disarm" them.
Other supernatural characters include: The witches have a chip on their shoulder in regards to vampires. There is also a vampire hunter with a magical ring that protects him from dying.
Watch it if: You like incredibly handsome young actors, love triangles, action, brooding, and high school drama. Also, if you have harbored a long standing crush on Matthew Davis of Blue Crush, you will be so happy that he has quite a bit of screen time.
Don't watch it if: You are offended by teenagers partying, or you want the show to say something deep about society in general.
My unscientific suggested age range: 10th grade on!
Rating: 4 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood

Twilight: The book series
Author: Stephanie Meyer
Basic premise: Mysterious new girl to town, Isabella Swan, is your typical ugly duckling turned beautiful swan (the name is no mistake). Instantly, the mysterious golden-eyed Edward Cullen seems at once attracted and repulsed by her. As they fall madly in love, she realizes that it is a forbidden love because he's a big, bad "vegetarian" vampire who would love nothing more than to eat her (in every way possible).
Unique characteristics of vampires: They sparkle (really?) in the sun, which is why they must dwell in shadowy places or under the cover of night. Their eyes are red if they drink human blood. Their eyes are golden if they drink only animal blood. They are as hard as marble. They are more beautiful in death than in life, and some of them have other supernatural powers.
How to kill a vampire: You have to rip their marbled bodies to shreds and then burn them. Basically, mere humans don't have a chance!
Other supernatural characters include: A lot of people call them werewolves, but they are really shape shifters who turn into wolves. There's apparently a difference, but don't try explaining it to my husband.
Read it if: You love unrequited physical love. The whole book seems to be structured so that you feel like you are Isabella Swan, constantly lying in bed with Edward. This is the most juvenile of the three series, and I would feel most comfortable handing the series to a middle school age student.
Don't read it if: You want to read something that is well-written. What Stephanie Meyer did well was make you want to be Isabella Swan. She took a 150 page story and turned them into 400 page behemoths.
[Spoiler alert]
They don't get together until they're married. So, if you want sex, you'll have to read nearly fifteen-hundred pages to be rewarded.
My unscientific suggested age range: 6-12th grade, except for the fourth book which is sexually explicit. Breaking Dawn is only appropriate for grades 9-12.
Rating: 3 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood

Twilight: The movie series
Basic premise: Again, mysterious new girl to town, Isabella Swan, is your typical ugly duckling turned beautiful swan (the name is no mistake). Instantly, the mysterious golden-eyed Edward Cullen seems at once attracted and repulsed by her. As they fall madly in love, she realizes that it is a forbidden love because he's a big, bad "vegetarian" vampire who would love nothing more than to eat her (in every way possible).
Unique characteristics of vampires: Again, they sparkle like broken glass in the sun, which is why they must dwell in shadowy places or under the cover of night. Their eyes are red if they drink human blood. Their eyes are golden if they drink only animal blood. They are as hard as marble. They are more beautiful in death than in life, and some of them have other supernatural powers.
How to kill a vampire: Turn yourself into a giant wolf, tear it to bits, and burn the bits up.
Other supernatural characters include: The super chiseled shape-shifting wolves. Literally and figuratively, they are the hottest part of the movies.
Watch it if: You like Taylor Lautner. It helps to like long brooding looks and romance instead of action.
Don't watch it if: You want to see good acting, or good computer generated animation. Also, there is quite a bit of mouth breathing going on (I'm talking to you Kristen Stewart). It's pretty annoying.
My unscientific suggested age range: 6th grade on
Rating: 3 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood



The Sookie Stackhouse or The Southern Vampire Mysteries book series
Author: Charlaine Harris
Basic premise: In a world where vampires have "come out of the coffin" because of the advent of synthetic blood, telepathic small-town barmaid, Sookie Stackhouse, falls in love with vampire Bill Compton. She's simply relieved that she can't hear his thoughts. The more she learns about the supernatural world, the crazier things get. Things spiral out of control in sleepy Bon Temps, Louisiana, and beyond.
Unique characteristics of vampires: Certain vampires have special powers like flying. Drinking a vampire's blood creates a blood bond--it allows them to always know where you are and how you feel.
How to kill a vampire: Leave them out to meet the sun, stake them, burn them, tear them up to shreds... Really, this is at once the most and least disturbing world of vampires. They're pretty easy to kill compared to other stories, but they're also extremely brash and out there.
Other supernatural characters include: True shape shifters (they get to pick their form), weres of all sorts (werewolves, werepanthers, weretigers, oh my!), witches and wiccans (please don't ask me to explain the difference), fairies, demons, Britlingens (body guards from another dimension), goblins, and maenads
Read it if: You love a book series that is at once dark and hilarious. You want a heroine with a distinct voice and extraordinary resilience. You love rich alternate realities filled with mythical creatures
Don't read it if: You are turned off by violence or sex. You want it to be a really great work of fiction. You get confused by having a lot of characters. You want a lot of character development. You don't want to read 10 books that leave you wanting more.
My unscientific suggested age range: Adults only!! There is a lot of sex, profanity, drinking, and violence.
Rating: 4 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood





True Blood: TV series
Basic premise: In a world where vampires have "come out of the coffin" because of the advent of synthetic blood, telepathic small-town barmaid, Sookie Stackhouse, falls in love with vampire Bill Compton. She's simply relieved that she can't hear his thoughts. The more she learns about the supernatural world, the crazier things get. Things spiral out of control in sleepy Bon Temps, Louisiana, and beyond.
Unique characteristics of vampires: Certain vampires have special powers like flying. Drinking a vampire's blood creates a blood bond--it allows them to always know where you are and how you feel.
How to kill a vampire: Leave them out to meet the sun, stake them, burn them, tear them up to shreds... Just don't kill Eric!
Other supernatural characters include: So far you have true shape shifters, werewolves, and one seriously messed up maenad
Watch it if: You like Alan Ball's work (think American Beauty). You like a visual orgy of violence, sex, emotion, and mayhem. You can relate to small town life, yet feel a touch repulsed by it. You want to see some incredible actors put into really crazy situations. You love Alexander Skarsgard (I know I do!).
Don't watch it if: You don't want your vampires to be too dark. You want a happy ending for the characters. You are turned off by sex, especially of the homosexual variety. You are unwilling to confront some of the seedy aspects of American culture--prejudice, racism, religion used to the wrong ends, etc.
My unscientific suggested age range: Very adult! HBO definitely is not messing around.
Rating: 5 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Happy Hooker by Debbie Stoller

Anyone who really knows me knows that I am a bit of a potty mouth. So, really, how could I resist a book on crocheting called Stitch 'n Bitch Crochet: The Happy Hooker? Plus, it was a congratulatory gift from my favorite college professor for presenting at Honors Undergraduate Research Day. You can't look a gift-book in the mouth.

If you want to learn to crochet, to improve your skills, or to add some modern projects to your repertoire, then BUY THIS BOOK! It is informative and funny. It explains everything from the origins of the word hooker--hint: it has to do with poor lace makers looking to make a few extra dollars--to how to work in the round. I have not encountered an instruction that I cannot understand in this book. Better yet, this book is extremely well edited. A lot of crochet patterns are rife with little errors that leave you scratching your head at the end of a round/row because it just doesn't look right. I'm a huge fan of the book.

I've completed a few projects from this book, but I have found my very favorite one! The car seat/stroller blanket with matching beanie ranks as my favorite crochet project(s) to date. I include the plural because I enjoyed it so much I have made multiple different versions. The two projects as a pair make the perfect baby gift for someone you really love, the blanket is great for someone you are close to, and the hat is a quick gift for someone that you like. I've made two hats and three blankets for a total of five babies since May. Unfortunately, it has been a little hot since May, so I have not gotten any personal reviews of my handy-work. I'm sure my sister will let me know in a few months!

I uploaded pictures of my completed projects so that you will be convinced of the genius of this book. If you like the sock monkey appliques, then you really need to buy The Happy Hooker! It is another pattern from the book.

A note for my happy hookers: I did add a second loop to the pattern because it made more sense to me. It was really easy, so if you decide to make this project, let me know and I'll email you my altered instructions.







Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

I hear tale from Wikipedia that this charming little novel has been translated into more languages than any other book by a living author. It was originally written in the 1980's in Portuguese by Brazilian novelist Paulo Coelho. It is an allegorical novel about following your dreams. I read it to see what the fuss was about!

It only took me a day to read The Alchemist. I started it on my 30 minute train ride to class, read during my 15 minute lunch break, and finished it on my 30 minute train ride home. I just had the epilogue left to enjoy from my couch. If you're looking to feel satisfied that you've read good literature (and not a smutty book about vampires), but you're not looking to commit too much time to the effort (because you really want to get back to your smutty book about vampires), then you should pick up this thin delight.

The prose is spare, which doesn't surprise me since it comes from the straightforward, relaxed Brazil. If you like long complicated sentences and challenging vocabulary to make you feel smart, then go read some Victor Hugo or Charles Dickens. I personally love prose that is simplistic, lyrical, and leaves some white space for you to fill in details. It challenges your mind in completely different ways.

The plot itself follows a young Andalusian (that's Southern Spain for you geography neophytes) shepherd who has a dream of great fortune. He gives up his life to follow his dream, meets mystical characters, goes on a great adventure, and finds treasure in unexpected ways.

You'll feel like you've heard the morals to the story before--Follow your dreams! Be open to change! Treasure true love!--but it didn't wear on my nerves. Sometimes, it's good to be reminded of the simple lessons we learned in childhood fairy tales.

For my educator friends, could you use this novel in class? Heck yes! I think portions of the Alchemist could be isolated for short stories and examined for the archetypes and allegorical plot elements. There is no violence, sex, drugs, or explicit language. The spare prose would be a challenge to students in the late middle grades, but it would ultimately be accessible.

So, there you go. Read The Alchemist, feel good about yourself, and get back to reading purely for pleasure. Any recommendations re: smutty vampires?

Post-script: I found out from abc.com that Chris Lambton from the Bachelorette loves this book. This doesn't surprise me, since I've got a pretty big crush on this guy.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Listen up, women!

I have a major problem with women who think that the education system doesn't systematically subvert women's issues. These women belittle feminism as whining.

My question to them is, have you taken a women's studies class? Have you ever talked to a professional feminist?

I have. My favorite college professor specialized in American and Women's Studies. She was a single, lesbian woman bending gender roles. When I told her that I wanted to be a teacher (traditional), get married (traditional), and have a family (traditional), she was delighted for me. She knew that I was not "selling myself short." When I completed a project on quilting as art, she encouraged me to present my research.

I get really hot and bothered when the topic comes out, and it limits my ability to speak rationally with people. I will leave you with an argument that is fairly eloquent, even though it is from a Madonna song:

"What It Feels Like For A Girl"

Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, because it's okay to be a boy. But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, because you think being a girl is degrading. But secretly, you'd love to know what it's like wouldn't you? What is feels like for a girl...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Advice from a Wanna-be Wedding Planner

I'm going to admit something to all of you:

I WISH I WAS A WEDDING PLANNER.

Yes, I get great satisfaction from my career as a teacher. Yes, I love my students. Yes, I am pursuing a graduate degree in education. However...

I WISH I WAS A WEDDING PLANNER.

Don't get me wrong. I am not going to give up my life. Wedding planning is my fantasy career. Everyone has a job that they secretly wish they could do, but for one reason or another would never seriously pursue it. My biggest hang-ups about the job can be summed up in a three words: Saturdays, summer, and bridezillas. I especially Love (with a capital L) summer. You don't really get one of those as a wedding planner.

Anyway, enough rambling discourse on why I'm glad that I teach pudding-smeared middle schoolers instead of corralling bridezillas and their families! I want to put some good wedding karma out into the universe since it seems like all of my single ladies are getting married this year. The following would be my biggest pieces of advice if I were to go into business as a wedding planner:
  • Be yourself! Your fiance proposed to you just the way you are because he loves you--just the way you are. Don't go nuts dieting, tanning, and dying until you no longer resemble yourself. In 20 years, you don't want to look back at your pictures and think, "Who was that girl with my husband?"
  • Be reasonable! I really wished at the time of our wedding that there was money in the budget for chair covers, color coordinated table linens, floral centerpieces, light design, a helicopter ride (Bachelorette-style) and a videographer. Do I regret cutting any of those ideas before I ever even talked to my parents seriously about budget? NO! My wedding was the best night of my life.
  • Have everything completely arranged by noon on the Thursday before your wedding. It is meant to be the best weekend of your life, and having to tie ribbons on programs until 2 AM the night before will make you one grumpy Gus. Avoid the headaches, and have everything sorted out and duties assigned well in advance.
  • Be compromising! Is this your wedding? Yes. Is this your fiance's wedding? Also yes. Is this the wedding your mom and dad have always wanted to give you? Yes. There are a lot of people with a vested interest in your special day. When you get into a big disagreement with someone, think about it like this: On a scale from 1-10, how important is this to me? On a scale from 1-10, how important is this to __________? If it is honestly more important to the other person, seriously consider being flexible. This kept me from absolutely devastating my relationship with my mother about five days before our wedding. Thinking back, I honestly can't remember what the disagreement was over!
  • Don't do a tradition just because it's a tradition! I got really bent out of shape about the logistics of doing a petal toss and send-off for about 10 minutes until my mom said to me, "Do you even care if you have a petal toss or send-off?" Sure enough, I didn't. It saved me a lot of headache to just drop it. Ultimately, I got the best petal toss and send-off; my girlfriends spontaneously scooped up all of the rose petals from the tables and showered me with them on the dance floor, and my family got kicked out of the ballroom by the hotel because we had over-stayed our welcome. We went upstairs with my bouquet and a bottle of bubbly after hugging our nearest and dearest. It was perfect.
OK... I probably have a few more choice pieces of advice, but I have heard a rumor that my niece is going to be making her first appearance soon. I need some beauty rest for the insuing storm of pictures (on Facebook for privacy reasons).

Do you all have any good advice to add? Leave a comment! I would love to hear it so that I can steal it for my future wedding planning business, or book, or movie... JK! I just want to store it up so that I can pass it off as my own when a friend is in need. That's only a smidge selfish. :-)

Monday, July 12, 2010

Thanks Taylor Mali

I started this blog mostly as an opportunity to give my honest judgment of books I read, recipes I try, and crafts I attempt. I will be kicking ass and taking names for you faithful readers (read: my sister and husband). I anticipate that this will be fun!

I must give thanks Taylor Mali for providing the inspiration for this blog's moniker! Here's his most famous poem, "What Teachers Make":

He says the problem with teachers is, "What's a kid going to learn
from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminds the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about
teachers:
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
and resist the temptation to remind the other dinner guests
that it's also true what they say about lawyers.

Because we're eating, after all, and this is polite company.

"I mean, you¹re a teacher, Taylor," he says.
"Be honest. What do you make?"

And I wish he hadn't done that
(asked me to be honest)
because, you see, I have a policy
about honesty and ass-kicking:
if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional medal of honor
and an A- feel like a slap in the face.
How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence. No, you may not work in groups.
No, you may not ask a question.
Why won't I let you get a drink of water?
Because you're not thirsty, you're bored, that's why.

I make parents tremble in fear when I call home:
I hope I haven't called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today.
Billy said, "Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?"
And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.

I make parents see their children for who they are
and what they can be.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids wonder,
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write, write, write.
And then I make them read.
I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely
beautiful
over and over and over again until they will never misspell
either one of those words again.
I make them show all their work in math.
And hide it on their final drafts in English.
I make them understand that if you got this (brains)
then you follow this (heart) and if someone ever tries to judge you
by what you make, you give them this (the finger).

Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true:
I make a goddamn difference! What about you?

--Taylor Mali

Finally, here's the wordle that I made of this poem: