Are you considering a foray in the world of vampire fiction for the first time? If so, keep reading; I decided to provide a guide to the best and the worst of smutty vampire books, book series, tv shows and movies.
For me, the yardstick for measuring all other vampire worlds is the Sookieverse as presented in the TV show True Blood. It is at once entertaining, compelling, scathing, and well-written. So, I will be ranking these on a scale of one to five bottles of TruBlood. One bottle of TruBlood indicates that it will leave you wanting. Five bottles of TruBlood is a very satisfying meal of smutty vampire fantasy!
Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side: A bookAuthor: Beth Fantaskey
Basic premise: Jessica Packwood was adopted from Romania as a baby. She finds out that she's descendant from a line of royal vampires, and that she has been betrothed to Lucius Vladescu since birth. While she explores her new identity as Antanasia Dragomir, she must decide whether or not to claim her place as the last of a line of Romanian vampire royalty.
Unique characteristics of vampires: They can procreate and walk in the sun.
How to kill a vampire: That's not really important to the book, but most of your standard options apply.
Other supernatural characters include: None.
Read it if: You like the idea of becoming a princess, you think formal manners are attractive, or you like to see vampires as being good.
Don't read it if: You want a lot of action or violence, you want to read a really great book, or you are offended by the idea that a girl has to become a princess and fall in love to truly find herself.
My unscientific suggested age range: 6-12 grades
Rating: 4 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood
Vampire Diaries: The book series
Author: L.J. Smith
Basic premise: Elena Gilbert is the quintessential perfect, popular cheerleader. Her parents die, and she finds herself in a love triangle between two vampire brothers--Stefan and Damon.
Unique characteristics of vampires: If they wear magical jewelry, they can go out into the sunlight. Also, the herb vervain keeps them from being able to compel you and weakens them if they ingest it.
How to kill a vampire: Keep them in the sunlight, burn them, or stake them. Vervain can "disarm" them.
Other supernatural characters include: Witches and their familiars
Read it if: You really, really like vampire books and have run through all other options. Even then, you must have little regard for the written word.
Don't read it if: You need to like characters in books, or you like good literature. This is the only series that I just simply couldn't stand to finish. I can't tell you whether Elena picks Stefan or Damon because I disliked Elena so much that I didn't really care.
My unscientific suggested age range: 8-12 grades
Rating: 1 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood
Vampire Diaries: The TV seriesBasic premise: Again, Elena Gilbert is the quintessential perfect, popular cheerleader. Her parents die, and she finds herself in a love triangle between two vampire brothers--Stefan and Damon.
Unique characteristics of vampires: If they wear magical jewelry, they can go out into the sunlight. They are also unusually hot. Seriously. Really... Really.... Hot!
Also, the herb vervain keeps them from being able to compel you and weakens them if they ingest it.How to kill a vampire: Keep them in the sunlight, burn them, or stake them. Vervain can "disarm" them.
Other supernatural characters include: The witches have a chip on their shoulder in regards to vampires. There is also a vampire hunter with a magical ring that protects him from dying.
Watch it if: You like incredibly handsome young actors, love triangles, action, brooding, and high school drama. Also, if you have harbored a long standing crush on Matthew Davis of Blue Crush, you will be so happy that he has quite a bit of screen time.
Don't watch it if: You are offended by teenagers partying, or you want the show to say something deep about society in general.
My unscientific suggested age range: 10th grade on!
Rating: 4 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood
Twilight: The book seriesAuthor: Stephanie Meyer
Basic premise: Mysterious new girl to town, Isabella Swan, is your typical ugly duckling turned beautiful swan (the name is no mistake). Instantly, the mysterious golden-eyed Edward Cullen seems at once attracted and repulsed by her. As they fall madly in love, she realizes that it is a forbidden love because he's a big, bad "vegetarian" vampire who would love nothing more than to eat her (in every way possible).
Unique characteristics of vampires: They sparkle (really?) in the sun, which is why they must dwell in shadowy places or under the cover of night. Their eyes are red if they drink human blood. Their eyes are golden if they drink only animal blood. They are as hard as marble. They are more beautiful in death than in life, and some of them have other supernatural powers.
How to kill a vampire: You have to rip their marbled bodies to shreds and then burn them. Basically, mere humans don't have a chance!
Other supernatural characters include: A lot of people call them werewolves, but they are really shape shifters who turn into wolves. There's apparently a difference, but don't try explaining it to my husband.
Read it if: You love unrequited physical love. The whole book seems to be structured so that you feel like you are Isabella Swan, constantly lying in bed with Edward. This is the most juvenile of the three series, and I would feel most comfortable handing the series to a middle school age student.
Don't read it if: You want to read something that is well-written. What Stephanie Meyer did well was make you want to be Isabella Swan. She took a 150 page story and turned them into 400 page behemoths.
[Spoiler alert]
They don't get together until they're married. So, if you want sex, you'll have to read nearly fifteen-hundred pages to be rewarded.
My unscientific suggested age range: 6-12th grade, except for the fourth book which is sexually explicit. Breaking Dawn is only appropriate for grades 9-12.
Rating: 3 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood
Twilight: The movie seriesBasic premise: Again, mysterious new girl to town, Isabella Swan, is your typical ugly duckling turned beautiful swan (the name is no mistake). Instantly, the mysterious golden-eyed Edward Cullen seems at once attracted and repulsed by her. As they fall madly in love, she realizes that it is a forbidden love because he's a big, bad "vegetarian" vampire who would love nothing more than to eat her (in every way possible).
Unique characteristics of vampires: Again, they sparkle like broken glass in the sun, which is why they must dwell in shadowy places or under the cover of night. Their eyes are red if they drink human blood. Their eyes are golden if they drink only animal blood. They are as hard as marble. They are more beautiful in death than in life, and some of them have other supernatural powers.
How to kill a vampire: Turn yourself into a giant wolf, tear it to bits, and burn the bits up.
Other supernatural characters include: The super chiseled shape-shifting wolves. Literally and figuratively, they are the hottest part of the movies.
Watch it if: You like Taylor Lautner. It helps to like long brooding looks and romance instead of action.Don't watch it if: You want to see good acting, or good computer generated animation. Also, there is quite a bit of mouth breathing going on (I'm talking to you Kristen Stewart). It's pretty annoying.
My unscientific suggested age range: 6th grade on
Rating: 3 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood
The Sookie Stackhouse or The Southern Vampire Mysteries book series
Author: Charlaine Harris
Basic premise: In a world where vampires have "come out of the coffin" because of the advent of synthetic blood, telepathic small-town barmaid, Sookie Stackhouse, falls in love with vampire Bill Compton. She's simply relieved that she can't hear his thoughts. The more she learns about the supernatural world, the crazier things get. Things spiral out of control in sleepy Bon Temps, Louisiana, and beyond.
Unique characteristics of vampires: Certain vampires have special powers like flying. Drinking a vampire's blood creates a blood bond--it allows them to always know where you are and how you feel.
How to kill a vampire: Leave them out to meet the sun, stake them, burn them, tear them up to shreds... Really, this is at once the most and least disturbing world of vampires. They're pretty easy to kill compared to other stories, but they're also extremely brash and out there.
Other supernatural characters include: True shape shifters (they get to pick their form), weres of all sorts (werewolves, werepanthers, weretigers, oh my!), witches and wiccans (please don't ask me to explain the difference), fairies, demons, Britlingens (body guards from another dimension), goblins, and maenads
Read it if: You love a book series that is at once dark and hilarious. You want a heroine with a distinct voice and extraordinary resilience. You love rich alternate realities filled with mythical creatures
Don't read it if: You are turned off by violence or sex. You want it to be a really great work of fiction. You get confused by having a lot of characters. You want a lot of character development. You don't want to read 10 books that leave you wanting more.
My unscientific suggested age range: Adults only!! There is a lot of sex, profanity, drinking, and violence.
Rating: 4 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood
True Blood: TV seriesBasic premise: In a world where vampires have "come out of the coffin" because of the advent of synthetic blood, telepathic small-town barmaid, Sookie Stackhouse, falls in love with vampire Bill Compton. She's simply relieved that she can't hear his thoughts. The more she learns about the supernatural world, the crazier things get. Things spiral out of control in sleepy Bon Temps, Louisiana, and beyond.
Unique characteristics of vampires: Certain vampires have special powers like flying. Drinking a vampire's blood creates a blood bond--it allows them to always know where you are and how you feel.
How to kill a vampire: Leave them out to meet the sun, stake them, burn them, tear them up to shreds... Just don't kill Eric!
Other supernatural characters include: So far you have true shape shifters, werewolves, and one seriously messed up maenad
Watch it if: You like Alan Ball's work (think American Beauty). You like a visual orgy of violence, sex, emotion, and mayhem. You can relate to small town life, yet feel a touch repulsed by it. You want to see some incredible actors put into really crazy situations. You love Alexander Skarsgard (I know I do!).
Don't watch it if: You don't want your vampires to be too dark. You want a happy ending for the characters. You are turned off by sex, especially of the homosexual variety. You are unwilling to confront some of the seedy aspects of American culture--prejudice, racism, religion used to the wrong ends, etc.
My unscientific suggested age range: Very adult! HBO definitely is not messing around.
Rating: 5 out of 5 bottles of TruBlood
Interesting. I've only read the Twilight series and didn't know that much was out there.
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